I Love Being A Mother

I feel it again in my bones.

I feel it again in every piece of me.

I miss how it makes me feel. Even when it’s hard. Even when it’s tiring. I love being a mother.

Sasha is growing fast. He’s three  years and 3 months now. He already passed his pre-school Assessment last week for KG1 for September. We are proud parents. He loves going to school so much. Even on weekends he cries to go to his little school- the nursery. We see how much he’s excited for two o-clock every week day. Even when he only has a drop of energy left he will fight sleepiness just not to miss school. He likes books. He likes painting. He never stops singing his rhymes and ABCs. Our hearts are full. Children are magical gifts from the Lord.

I still want another child. My desire is obvious. I speak about it to my friends. I speak about it to my husband. But it’s as if is not coming any time soon. Not in two years time. Not even in four maybe, or ever.  I love carrying a child in my belly. I love the smell of infants. I love the excruciating pain it brings.

Like any other wishes or desires, I lift everything to God. In HIS time He will make it happen. If it’s HIS will He will make it known to us. For now, all and everything we surrender. We will trust HIM when HE thinks we are ready, if He wants us to have more. He never fails anyway, His plans are always perfect.

Even when fear and worry creep in, We will trust the LORD.

And Father God, Jesus, Thank you for our little boy. It’s a wonderful gift to be PARENTS.

Purity

True purity of heart never boasts in being pure, for it flows out of a deep awareness of our own weakness without the Lord’s protection.

– https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/should-we-kiss-solomons-dating-advice-goodbye

Style Update – Graphic Tees

I am that type of girl who you always find wearing a dress.  Yes, I am a girly-girl. But the thing is, with a dress it’s easier to put an outfit together. And most of the time I don’t need to iron them. Hah.  And when the husband wants me to be ready in 5 minutes it’s the fastest way to go.

But I realized I already have tons and tons of dresses inside my closet.  I have at least 7 LBDs. I have at least 5 maxi dresses, and about 20+ summer dresses and skirts of different designs. I don’t have space. And since I want to have an organized life, trying to live minimalist I want to get rid as much of things that don’t bring me joy anymore. I don’t like keeping things with no purpose.

As I was cleaning out my closet yesterday, I realized I don’t have much tees.

If I will go shopping any time soon, I would love to buy a few shirts.

 

Graphic Tees anyone?

How do you style ’em?

Psalm 73:26

Hello Tuesday…

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭73:26‬‬

The Killer Pill : A Health Post

WARNING: it’s girly-health issue

I know I’ve been MIA for a while.

I hope I can say that I am really BACK. I’m praying and claiming that I will not get sick ever  again because I can tell you that I had been very sick for almost three weeks now.

I can blame the weather. I can blame my flight schedules. Or I can just blame myself alone.  I wish it’s just so easy to pinpoint the culprit. But with my lifestyle, truly it’s a culmination of a lot of things.  Added to that, my OB decided to put me on the pill again.

And I HATE IT.

I started taking it last month, just when my mother-in-law came, just when my roster decided to send me to Europe half of the month, 28-hours in Asia and back with no sleep and to Africa by the end of February. Me and the husband didn’t sleep in the same bed for the whole month let alone with our child. February was only 28 days right? but it felt like 28 years.

I told myself I will never get to bcp again. Anyway, I still want to have kids. But since my Employer gives us at least one year not to get pregnant I want to comply. And we are doing good so far without the bcp. Only because my Endometrioma is acting all crazy again. The pain of endometriosis is kicking my butt big time.  I almost fainted a few months back when it acted up again. The pain was so scary I thought I wouldn’t make it.

I was taking hormone-replacement therapy for a year until it started doing crazy stuff to my boobs. It was leaking even when I stopped breast-feeding long time ago.  My chest was unbelievably painful every month. So I decided to stop and switched to another OB.

Then last month when I met my new doctor She said the only way to stop the cyst from becoming so big in a speed of light ( meaning I will be needing another laparoscopy  soon) is to go back to taking birth control.

She gave me YAZ. 

And truly, it sure came from HELL. I should have listened to these ladies’ horror stories. 

I started feeling sick in a couple of days after taking it. I feel exhausted all the time even right after I wake up. My bones were so painful. My head felt like being ripped in two. I can’t eat. Just the smell of any food makes me want to puke. I can’t sleep most of  the time. And I had sore throat that lasted for almost a month. I caught Bronchitis twice in a less than a month. I fought with my husband like a maniac and I bawled like a helpless little girl for even the silliest and most trivial of things. I get fever the next day after going to gym.  I had chills that I even lost the feelings in my hands. My dysmennorrhea got 20 times more painful.  I thought I was going insane. I had thoughts of killing myself. I stopped social media. I feel alone and weak and helpless and worthless. I just want to be in bed and sleep or fight with all the people I love. My darkest days were those five weeks with YAZ.  Then one day, I asked and prayed fervently to God to tell me what to do.

I still want to have kids. Save my ovaries. Not to get surgery again.

But living in pain is not living life at all.  I can’t even show love to people because all I feel is pain.  I feel so weak to even think about them. I read my Bible less and less. I cry in my sleep asking God what is going on with me? I begged Him to make the pain to STOP. And then last week, He said I need to throw that piece of garbage. I toss my 2nd pack of YAZ mid-week. Now I am bleeding the 2nd time this month. It’s my third day and it feels like it’s not done yet.

Ladies, go to your doctor if you suffer these kind of pain. If you have Endometriosis like me, If you want to consider family-planning, PLEASE NEVER EVER USE YAZ!!!!

Ten years ago, I tried Yasmin, that time for my PCOS. That time I didn’t know that YAZ and Yasmin are sisters or something. I suffered the same hell like I just had. Oh, yeah I learned my lesson twice.

I know our bodies are different, but listen carefully to what it says. Pray to God for guidance.

There’s got to be a better way to handle things.

I started feeling more like myself again after quitting the killer pill last week. My bronchitis is healing. I reported FIT to Fly yesterday.

I believe God will give me wisdom to better take care of myself. I believe God will show me the way to heal myself with my endometriosis. God will give me more kids in His time.

For now, no pills. No YAZ.

God will show me how to beat my Endo.

We Love Others Best When We Love God Most