Choose Your Hard

I want to just be lazy today.

Eat whatever I want. Lie down in the sofa with my Netflix on. Forget about taking shower or cooking for anyone. There’s Talabat and Careem or Noon in fifteen minutes.

I can just take it literally like a holiday and have my excuse of being on Long Term Sickness anyway I am still getting paid.

But no.

I don’t want to abuse or take advantage or let alone cheat on the favors that has been extended to me.

I can just travel anywhere right now while my colleagues are there handling their night flights like an army in battle.

I have been truly blessed by God to have thrived well during my treatments.

And in return I want to do everything right.

Rest when I need to.

Workout and strengthen my body as much as possible.

Eat well.

And serve when I am able.

It’s so much easier to complain and feel sorry for myself. But God didn’t shower me with these blessings to feel and act that way.

Instead I listened to His voice instead of my feelings.

And right there, it’s not hard anymore.

Radiate Much

I am currently attending to my radiation burns.

I never expected to end up with 2nd degree burns all over my armpit. Well, it really shows where my medical team radiated me because the marks are so obvious it’s not denying it. Husband said I look like a chicken Tikka, like that one we had for dinner last night. 🤣

It stings really bad. And since I workout six times a week for at least 40 minutes the sweat is not helping. If I decide to stop working out my shoulder will freeze and my radiated side will be stiff. So, I chose to endure the pain of burns when my sweat attacks. Oh well. Pick your battles carefully.

I decided to change my mental state when I started my radiotherapy. First and foremost I never really wanted to go for it. I prayed and cried to God that I will not need it but still need up having 25 sessions of it. Since my pathology report post- surgeries mentioned there was residue of the disease of 25 mm if I’m not mistaken we decided to go for it. I was anxious and paranoid of what’s ahead of me. I spend many days agonizing while watching YouTube videos of patients who had radiation ☢️ I spent sleepless nights thinking that I will suffer tremendously with it. My insomnia got really worse to the point that my oncologist prescribed me Xanax.

Then one Saturday church service I got to meet a church member who had colon cancer. We started talking and sharing our testimonies about God’s goodness during a very challenging season. She said she stopped reading about the disease. She took control of what to feed her mind and rely everyday on God’s continuous healing and protection in her body no matter what she feels. She is healed there’s nothing after that.

That night after two weeks of only sleeping for 40 minutes I managed to sleep like my husband. I found out the cause of my insomnia. It’s not because of radiation or my new oral medication. It’s what I feed my mind.

Just when I started looking at my radiation sessions like going out for a daily dose of Vitamin D 🌞( which is basically hugging Mr. Sun quite literally inside my left breast and armpit) I started feeling more at peace. When I had a new radiation oncologist who was so much calmer and kinder and more patient than the previous one I knew God wanted me to go through it like a breeze and I will thrive in spite of it. There is a reason why I need to go through it. And it did happen for a reason, which I will reveal later. For God’s glory, for His Name, for the benefit of others He let me go through it while shielding me from harm.

My radiated breast sure feels like a rock sticking at my chest. And I look like a chicken breast with Tikka Masala spices but I feel happy and relieved to have gone through everything from A to Z.

God is good. He is faithful. In every treatment and hospital visit Jesus my Savior went hand in hand with me. And He provided everything I needed and more.

It sure was a scary ride but God made my rollercoaster ride from Ferrari world felt just like a ride in the carousel.

May I will never forget the lessons and goodness of God in this season and be able to reach out to everyone who might be of need to hear my testimony.

With God you can count on. He can move mountains for you. Even the sun ( radiation) moved for me.

Who Are You Most Grateful For Today?

You, Mr. Stranger who gave me a free upgrade to a VIP room instead of the usual room I get on chemo days.

You, Dr. T who was willing to operate me for free.

You, who sit behind the desk of a thousand emails you need to answer but managed to call every time just to ask if you can do something for me.

You, who make sure I get my treatments on time.

You, who patiently answer my calls and follow up my insurance claims with such kindness.

You, who always call just to inquire how am I feeling and I need anything at all.

You, who always send prayers and thoughts without fail.

I cannot count them all because I will not finish writing.

How God supplied and still supplying me with people who sends their love and care more than action can speak of.

I am so grateful to each one of you.

October

Hello there.

We reached here, finally. A little bit more and we need to put up the Christmas tree once again.

The weather is getting cooler in this side of the world. Forecast of rain and sandstorms as well. I’m just glad that I need to update my wardrobe from summer to fall as if there is such a thing here in Dubai. What it really means is oh you don’t have to despise going outdoors as much as before. Maybe visiting the beach would be a great idea.

I’m excited. I’m done. Treatments over.

Thank you Lord Jesus, we reached! 🙏🏻☺️

Put A Lid on It

It can be so overwhelming at times.

Although I have only been focusing on my treatments these past few months there are days when I feel like the lists of things to do is never ending. So many messages to answer, so many pending work not just for me but either for our family as whole or for my son at school. I am glad to be having this time, believe me. I know it must be very difficult but I learned to be thankful in every situation. Battling a serious illness is indeed tough. But knowing that I have my God who truly cares for me makes winning much easier.

I also learned to prioritize. To know when to say No. To let some things to wait. And most importantly to ignore others not worth losing my sleep to.

Not everything is an urgent matter.

Quiet time with God is an urgent matter. Being in the moment with your family is an urgent matter. Health is an urgent matter. Other trivialities are not a matter of life and death.

I learned as well to scan people. Who is my inner circle? Who needs my most attention or help right now? If I can’t decide, I pray.

During this season, I learned to distance myself to social media. It can be draining. It can be so distracting. It can be expensive.

I learned to whom I give myself power to. And when I allow only what’s important sleep is easy and time management is a piece of cake.

Value your time and your energy. And most of all, not everything needs to be published for everyone to know.

Silver Linings

I’m always excited whenever I see my Plastic Surgeon.

With this rollercoaster ride I’ve been riding on since January I’m glad that I can almost seeing the finish line. My radiation treatments are half-way done as this time of writing. My radiation oncologist and my whole medical team are wonderful people. They make the whole ordeal of coming five days a week pass like 5 minutes. I thank God and my husband for all the favors and support I have been receiving. It’s the last level of treatment. Done my chemo and my surgeries. Radiation of five weeks is almost done and I am really so excited.

My breast expanders don’t hurt anymore. Yeah, boobies are as hard as rocks but at least they look good. I can’t wait to see the finish product by January of 2025 hopefully. I pray also that my insurance will able to cover it. I will keep on praying to God. I will keep on asking, because when we ask in faith we shall receive in faith too.

My plastic surgeon also said I will be able to remove my love handles to be used for fat grafting for me new boobies. How exciting it can be! I have been trying to burn my love handles or at least tried to sculpt my abs like Miranda Kerr but to no avail. And my hormone therapy is also making it hard to really see my abs. Not only am I getting new boobies with the size I have been dreaming of but also the possibility to cinch my waistline and legs according to my preference. Oh lala.

Yes, maybe having the C was like a death sentence. But no, in my case I know that my God is good. God is my healer. Jesus is my Deliverer. Jesus is my Provider. And the amazing Jesus that I know will give me joy and peace that surpasses understanding even in the midst of many storms and silver linings that are worth looking forward to after the storms passes.

Irritants

I am taking now my prescription medication to avoid recurrence.

So far so good. The only thing that’s bothering me right now is my disrupted sleep and occasional bouts of diarrhea. Later on I need to check my bone density and my white blood cells count. But overall I am feeling great.

There are other irritants aside from the medication that I am taking.

I tried to avoid posting too much on Instagram since I want to be in a good headspace. I don’t want to answer questions that I am not comfortable to answer.

There are still people that give me the icky feeling just a mention of their names.

The main reason is I don’t really feel comfortable around them. In a sense that I don’t feel their genuine care for me. I feel like the reason that they are in my circle is because they just need something. Forgive me Lord if I am wrong. Perhaps I should give them more chance to prove me that my thoughts about them are incorrect.

We can’t change people but we can control how we react towards them. We can only treat them the way Jesus treats us no matter how unfair it seems. We can always say a prayer whenever our paths crossed and asking God every time to give us the strength to love them.

How do you handle your irritants? Do you wish to have an invisibility cloak whenever they are close by so you can avoid the awkward pleasantries? I know I do.

Dear You,

It doesn’t really matter if no one reads what I write. For me, writing is always therapeutic. I’m writing for me. To find clarity, to make space for my brain and to stop and pause when the going gets tougher.

It doesn’t really matter if my writing doesn’t make sense to some. It doesn’t really matter if it’s not good enough. As long as it’s good enough for me and it serves its purpose it’s all okay.

I want to write about it. Anything.

Life is precious. Our time is limited. Don’t you want to have something to hold on to when you want to turn back time when you want to escape your current reality? Don’t you want to learn or re-learn feelings and people who came and left with memories worth reminiscing?

Lessons. Bitter, sweet or bland. And dreams you want to give birth to.

Plans you want to put out there and wishing no one will spoil them.

Seeing the hands of God in every situation both good and bad. Oh how the Lord has been so good to me.

Yes, it doesn’t matter if you don’t like what I write. I’m listening to my own voice as I type this. Hoping that the answer lies in every letter I write.

Pixie

It’s been almost three months since I had my last chemo.

Lo and behold my hair is really showing up. Thank you Lord Jesus. My eyebrows are now completely present while my lashes are still growing spontaneously however my eyelash curler can’t reach them yet, one day soon.

I was thinking to buy another cheap wig at Temu. I was able to get really nice ones before but considering the amount of growth I’m seeing maybe I don’t need to buy a new wig. Perhaps before I start working again I will be able to pull it off nicely, this pixie.

I remember Gwyneth Paltrow in the movie Sliding Doors. I was so enamored by her pixie. It looks so sophisticated. Also Victoria Beckham during the Spice Girls era when she married David Beckham she was rocking the pixie quite so well too.

At the moment, I kinda looking like the head of Natalie Portman in her movie V for Vendetta. I wish I am as pretty as her. But really, I’m just so happy to be alive and seeing my hair growing and looking more like myself day after day.

Thank you Jesus.

Indeed God is bigger than this C!

Many Thanks

Today we were able to finally stopped by to send our gift to my Breast Surgeon. Truthfully, not all heroes wear capes. In my case they wear surgery gowns or carries a stethoscope or prick my vein for blood.

I have a firm conviction that God ordained and hand-picked every single one of my Medical team. And when they are not hand-picked by God, he removed them in my path and get replaced so that proper care will be given to me. It’s a great miracle right before my eyes. I will share that story later on.

I have written so many “thank you” notes in every course of treatments. I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude from the people who cared for me during my five months of chemotherapy, during my surgeries and next after my radiation therapy. The smile on their faces, the patience and assurance they gave me and just the little things that makes me feel so brave and at peace that everything is going to be alright just lighten up my load.

Indeed, I went through fire but Jesus, my God hold my hand tightly. And because of Him I came out unscathed and glowing with joy and beauty because of the experience being held by God during a very difficult season.

When I hugged my Breast surgeon today, I can’t help but shed a tear because of how God moved during that time when I was so scared and didn’t know where to go and how to proceed. I prayed that time that He will lead me to the best people. And how grateful I am that I was and still am being under the care of the Best because I prayed. She was the one who found the lump of my lymph nodes which my previous doctor in another hospital missed. She was the one who explained in detail and made us understand the very foreign and vast and frightening concept of Breast Cancer. Instead of being so filled with fear and worry we left her clinic feeling assured and confident that this battle is meant to be won. When I went through my surgeries I felt like I was just going to have a facial. I felt peace. I sang my battle songs and recite my bible verses until the anesthesia kicked in. I woke up feeling brand new and my surgeon came the next day and the many days after to clean my wounds and to make sure that I will not have any infection. She used her expertise and her humanity in every given opportunity, in which I felt so blessed.

I learned to show gratitude in every way I can. I am a very expressive person and I never want to miss any chance to show appreciation.

I hope that she knows and every one of my nurses and the staff who smile and helped in any way or form that they make such significant impacts in the lives of their patients. It’s a gift to be compassionate. It’s a gift to show a genuine care towards someone you don’t even know. I declare blessings and favors to those people who made an effort to bless us and help us beyond their call of duty.

I have a few more “thank you” notes I will be gladly writing. I have so many posts still worth sharing to inspire others and to give hope in moments when the situation seems insurmountable. The truth is, if you have even just a grain of faith like a mustard seed you can tell this mountain to move and it will move.

It did for me.

And along the way I was able to meet many wonderful people who blessed me and hopefully able to bless with my faith sustained and provided by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

There is healing in His name.

And with every healing, we thank the medical people used as vessel for His greatness.