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To Have and To Hope

Last week I received a message from a very close friend. She’s pregnant. Again.

Our boys are almost the same age, only two months apart. She was surprised that I  easily guessed it. Maybe because I was daydreaming too much lately. Yes, Sasha is sometimes really a handful but the happiness he gives me is pure and priceless. It’s hard to be a stay-at-home mom. Boring and exhausting at the same time. And I find it torture now  to open my social media seeing where my old colleagues had been to these past couple of months  ( Brazil, Monte Carlo, Venice, Barcelona, you name it)  while I am just here (most days) in our  house with my not-so fancy house-uniform scrubbing stains in the floor with my toddler. And yet, I don’t mind not opening my instagram or facebook for a couple of days or weeks. I love being a mom. And if God will permit me to do it again this year or whenever He thinks is right I will be more than happy and willing.

Funny thing  those mommies in church are also feeling my sentiment. And yeah, our husband aren’t ready yet for baby number 2.

I look at my husband every day and see his passion and drive to provide for us. I know not all of his travels are pleasant but I never hear him complain. Sometimes I am a handful to him. But by the grace of God I had learned to keep my mouth shut whenever we’re in the mall.  He taught me how to count my blessings every day and be thankful for this life that God has given to us. It’s not fair to compare. And I have no right to complain.

Yesterday, I received a call. A very unexpected call. An invitation. Honestly I am no longer that much enthusiastic to apply for a job. No response simply means rejection. So when I answered  it I was in deep shock to what I was hearing. Of course I am interested. Yes I want to go back to work. But my heart has been crushed so many times these past three years that I feel afraid to hope again.

I pray and thanked God for that call. If it’s His will that I go and see it. I will obey. And whatever the outcome will be I already settled it with Him. I am his servant. Wherever He thinks I should be I will accept it with open arms.

So much has changed in me. Patience is not my cup of tea. And not spending is not my forte. I grew up having a comfortable life. Accumulating stuff equals happiness. And I grew up always having the mindset to compete and prove myself.  It’s NOT a happy place. Maybe if I had married a different man, or if my mom didn’t die six years ago I (am not really sure) that  I will be the same person now.  God directed my path, sewn my life in accordance to my purpose. I was a prodigal daughter and found her way back. And at the age 33, I had truly understood what it means to ‘surrender’.

If God wants me to go back to work again, it’s Him telling me where I should expand my work as a Christian. If He wants me home, it’s home and this is where my heart is. Always. If Baby number 2 will happen soon He will provide as usual and He will change my husband’s heart on the matter.

motherme

I was reminded by this passage this month as I was doing monthly planning:

isamuel

How amazing!

What about you? What are hoping for so badly it hurts? Talk to God and wait on Him.

Have a blessed week ahead!

 

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