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Dancing with Fire : A Note on Rejection

I know it in my heart I need to get it. But I keep on getting rejected.

Sometimes it’s my son not eating what I cook for him after spending two hours in the kitchen.

Or that set of  Red Velvet Cookies I baked that won’t turn red. Or those French Macarons that failed to grow feet.

I get really heart-broken when I fail.

These past few days I got so vulnerable with rejection. Whenever my suggestions are not being heard, when important things are being procrastinated or my efforts are being criticized I take it too personal.  It’s part of growing up to face rejections. But it seems like no matter how many times I get burned the degree of pain remains the same.

I pray to God to help me settle this issue. Last night, the husband and I got into a stupid fight about dinner. On our way to the park, he asked me what I want to eat. In my mind, this is a trick question. He wants to check me if I will choose what he would like to have. Many times before, I would tell him I want pizza but he will insist on burgers. So in the end we will have burgers.  Deep inside, all I wanted to do is not cook dinner. I want a day off from the kitchen. And I don’t want to suggest something and in the end he will just insist on what he wants. After park he asked me the third time, what I wanted. I said ” whatever you want is fine”. I think it must have been my sour face that got him irritated. He asked me “what about shawarma? or let’s check the Entertainer “. I just rolled my eyes. Because I know I will not win. For me what ‘s the point in asking for my opinion if I will just hear “no” anyway without a proper explanation. I guess I just got tired from not getting a “Yes”. What seems to be a simple and silly argument in the beginning, ended up in a full blown fire. I started  bickering about past incidents he shoot down my opinions. I told him how hurt I was whenever I don’t win anything in terms of decision-making. And then the issue of unemployment came up. I realized that the pressure of getting back to work is pressing me too hard lately. That I take everything offensive and about me just because I am not working. Oh yeah, but I blame my hormones. I cried and cried so hard until he just raised a white flag and console me. He said that he isn’t forcing me to go back to work ASAP. We are fine financially. I know that, in my heart I want something more than just having a job… It’s not about work, it’s about being a part of something.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and my child. They are the world to me. But I know mothers can relate to this that from time to time we want to feel proud about something outside our homes. We want to belong to something outside the parameters of our safe area. If it pays, the better.

But the gap in my resume is getting bigger. I am in my 30s. There’s always going to be a parade of  perky twenty-somethings applying for the same job I am going for.  Oh Lord, what a mom to do?

Husband said that I keep on exploring other areas for a career switch. Find and apply. Do. Not. Give.Up. But rejections sting. I don’t want to crash and burn again.I may not recover.

So why does it hurts  so much when we get a “No” in spite of our efforts? We don’t have it in the first place, so why it feels like we lose something if we don’t get it?

For me, winning is a big deal. Being a mom requires effort, like try to put a toddler to bed or keep the house pest-free. Motherhood cannot sustain without giving your 110%. And so,small victories are a huge deal. If running a house means working 24/7 and sleeping with your half-eyes closed why landing a decent job seems like rocket science? Why landing an interview feels like shooting for the moon? I laid awake last night fuming and fighting with myself why I need to go out there again and expose to being rejected for the millionth time? I have to press reapply.

And then I remembered those stories of people who persisted in troubled times. Who didn’t give up when the going gets tough. Ray Kroc, Colonel Sanders, you name it. They’re all written in all success books.

After battling with the voices inside my head, God intervened. I am reading this book about Grace. An amazing book by Tullian Tchividjian ( so hard to pronounce , I know)  entitled One Way Love , Inexhaustible Grace for an Exhausted World. There’s several pages that hit me but this one part of the book hit a home -run:

“Listen closely or you’ll miss it: now that you don’t have to prove anything to anyone, now that your self-regard  and self-respect have been unassailably secured, now that your actions have been unhitched from their utility in the courtroom, and you have been fully justified in the sight of God.. What do you want to do?

… My suspicion is that once you realize that you don’t have to do anything for God, you may find you WANT to do everything for HIM “.

Yes. That.All. I.  Need. The only validation that counts is what Jesus did for me. And now, really it wouldn’t cut deep anymore if I get that job or not. If they say yes or no. It’s not personal. Only Jesus is personal.

Labels, titles they don’t amount to anything in the end. I may have them or not in this life but it will not be the measurement of my existence. My identity doesn’t depend on losing or winning.

And in this life, whatever God has set for me whether it’s continuing to be  a full time mom or working mom my only concern is that I do everything for His glory.

I see now worldly rejections as trivial matters. It’s okay to try and fail. We are worth more than that. If the door won’t open, it’s just not my door then.

me

 

 

 

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