As the little one sleeps in the other room I just feel so excited to sit down in my computer to write. The peace and quiet never fail stir my insides in a good way. No tv just the sound of cars and buses raving down below. This morning we woke up so surprised by the weather, again. Just when we thought summer is about to enter , the cruel wind started howling like vaporized snow right through our nostrils. I tiptoed in my nightdress as I carefully reached for my jacket. Our feet were frozen. The floor, stone- cold literally. It’s so easy to feel lazy but it’s a Monday and I have tons of things to do.
I have to prepare for an audition on friday for the Music Ministry ( my voice needs tuning since I haven’t sung in a million years already) .
I have to finish a book in order to start a new one, ( of course) and for me to be able to do my Personal Homework.
I have yet to finish Sasha’s scrapbook before my in-laws arrive next month ( super long-overdue since the hubby wanted me to journal Sasha’s milestones even after his first birthday).
And I am dying to get a new hairstyle.
These past few days me and the hubby were almost always at the verge of a fight. Sometimes he’s acting like a total jerk and sometimes my hormones were just completely messed up that a teeny tiny sometimes nonsense comment easily aggravates me. I don’t know, maybe the Primrose capsules take time to kick in. I don’t know why I tear up every time. I don’t like peeling onions and I don’t like becoming one.
I told myself if I will get offended with everything by everyone that would be a tragedy. But then I realized I just get offended by my husband. Why is it I am easily offended? What is changed? As I ponder and prayed about it, it dawned on me that I am using a measuring stick once again. I heard about a story about this guy who is the husband of this woman, or this man who did this and did that and slowly I started comparing my husband to those men. I started to compare my marriage to other people. Valentines day usually is doomsday for Available ,Single and Miserable people only ( hey single people you know you have the power to be single and happy and fearless and complete with or without someone, I swear, I’ve been there! ) but I realized it could be a little bit agonizing as well for the married group who think they are not getting the right amount of l-o-v-e. I am not saying I am one of them it’s just that when you open instagram you will see so many over the top declaration of adoration of people towards one another that I started questioning why my man and I didn’t do that. I guess we just have our own style. But yeah, a few nights ago I wished that he could have written me a love letter like he used to when we were still dating. I guess motherhood makes husband lazy to write love notes. Or maybe just my husband. Yes I feel sad seeing those instagram posts wishing I received some cheesy and corny love-dovey notes with a gazillion flowers and lava flow of chocolates. But instead he took me out on a dinner date with our third-wheelin’ toddler who won’t sit still in his high chair. No flowers, no Pandora box , no 200 bill on a night stand for a new lipstick. And the next day he flew to Colombo for a layover.
I spent February 14th dreaming alone in my bed with my little one kicking my face every two hours. Two days after Valentines, me and a close friend attended the church service for married people. We both wished our husbands to be there. But both of them were working. How we both wished that they were there with us to absorb what the Pastor was saying. God never fails to answer my questions and just bring me to places where His voice would echo in my heart. The service gripped our hearts so tight that we were sobbing for all other couples to see. How powerful the message was about marriage and how to stay in-love with one another. Getting married is not a walk in the park. Before marriage, attraction comes easy, falling in-love takes a few dates and gifts and after that that’s where love needs to be a verb. Pastor Shady said we just need to follow what Jesus commanded us all to do.” Love one another as He loved us”. The undeserving and the non-judgmental kind of love. Unconditional, empowering and just plain self less. OOOOh. That’s HARD. How can I love this man when he’s not doing what I asked him to do? How can I be patient when my patience is running low? That’s why we need to be close to the source. And not just close we need to be with the Source.
If we don’t know God we will not know how to love. If our husbands don’t know God He will not know how to really love us. Only by knowing how God loved us then we understand how it means to love like him. We don’t deserve it and yet the sun still shines even when we sin and fall short. If we will love our husbands only when they act the way we approved, then that’s not the kind of love that God want’s us to give.
Love the way He loved us. Big command. Improbable but possible. How desperate we are indeed to know God for us to fill our love tanks with His love in order for us to do it. In order for us to make” Love” work in our marriage. Only if we put Him in the center of our relationship we will make it easy to submit to one another.
So instead of comparing, complaining I decided to look for the positive things about him all the time. Parenthood may have tone down our cheesiness a few notches below as a couple, but I am still glad and thankful that my man craves and wants me like a hopeless puppy at the end of day. He may not say it in words and in instagram posts but if only the walls in this house could talk I know it would mean as much. And God knows his heart, and I still win the jackpot.