And so I shut the door and hurriedly went back to my child who was asleep in the sofa. Instead of picking up where I left of in terms of house chores ,I just squeezed myself in and cried my eyes out as I pray to God to give me strength, to give me understanding. And instead of just tears flowing down my cheeks I moan with great emotions that the little one started waking up. He looked at me with those eyes piercing asking me what’s wrong. He’s just two but at that age he’s already trying to comfort me with my pain. He handed me his favorite yellow car and pushed my hand to accept it. But I cried even louder that he’s started crying too. I bet he’s asking who’s the baby between us two. It’s amazing how we are connected. How my feelings just affects him. And how this little one just wanted me to be okay.
I was heartbroken. I don’t normally feel so affected by something that I would normally cry like a baby but at that time I felt so helpless. I felt so contained within the four walls of our place. And that my world has just been so limited ever since. I want to do this and I want to do that but I just don’t have the power to do so. When you get used to working hard on something in order to achieve something and that stuff always works but when it finally hits you that there are actually exemptions to the rules that’s when you started begging God to help you with the struggle. The are just things you cannot do anymore once you’re married. There are just some things that motherhood cannot help you with. There are things worth sacrificing for. I don’t know why at that time I felt bad for being powerless and forgot how blessed I am in spite of the limitations now.
My heart longs to help and get involved. Life is passing by like a quick train ride that I neglected exploring other stops with magnificent scenery before I reach the final destination. I don’t intend to be just an observer of life but an active participant. But I guess this is where He wants me to be for now. And I am desperately asking Him to touch my heart for wisdom and acceptance because it cuts me like a knife and my hands are tied up. I asked him for approval and he said No. There were other circumstances that I asked for his approval and I know what I am getting in the end. It hurts when we don’t meet halfway but I guess that’s just married life. And the more you realize that God really needs to be in the center of this marriage. I sat in the chair while the little one eats his lunch. I searched for an answer. I wanted to hear His voice.”Tell me Lord, why I can’t get it, why he won’t let me? I waited for this to happen but he said No. Take away the bitterness, help me to accept it and not hate him for it. Help me trust You that there are still other ways and other chances”. I continue sulking for another half an hour until my heart slowly melting with His love once again. Right there His presence grew and His light came brushing off the darkness that took me over. In my heart I found what I was looking for. There I started letting go again.
I realized that it takes humility, a great deal of it to accept rejection. When the answer is No, always remember it’s not personal. When the husband says you cannot go there or you cannot do that. Or when life simply put a stop where it used to be a big loud party, be humble. It’s just a stop. And it’s not forever. Enjoy every moment of the phase you are going through and trust the Creator who knows the depths of our hearts and what’s best for us. I started feeling better when I realized that. And instead of complaining for the times I cannot understand the husband,or when the ‘stop’ is taking longer than the usual, well, just take a deep breath and look around. There’s still so much to be thankful for.
After bawling my eyes out from disappointment and after His presence took over I felt wonderful like the weight has been lifted again. God’s got this. Remember Jeremiah 29:11… Declare. Believe. Claim.
Leave the doubts at the door. Let His Love consume you.
Happy blessed Sunday!