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Losing it

There are times when I wonder where all these heat is coming from. I wonder if my hormones need checking. Am I having an early mid-life crisis ? but I just in my early 30s. When the weather is getting unbearable that even the birds in the sky went hiding and all of us started living like a hermit the heat is probably reaching our brains and wrecking the bolts in there which drives people lose their temper like a thunderbolt.

It just came to my senses that I am getting easily frustrated when summer is here. Poor little boy catching all mommy’s ranting. When you are surrounded by skysrapers 24/7 and hardly see any green grass let alone breathe some fresh air  I guess it’s understandable.

We spend our lives inside the apartment now that the sun is burning to 45 degrees with the highest humidity. Me and my child looking and wishing that we could play outside. Now that Sasha is nearly 2, he wants to play all the time and won’t sleep. He reached this stage as well when he becomes too picky with food and it’s really started getting into my nerves and on top of that he likes being carried all the time. I can feel my child frustration. His boredom getting into my skin. He begs me to carry him so he can watch me cook, do the dishes and the laundry . There are a lot of things that I learned doing with one hand. I guess motherhood just gives you this super power. The ability to finish chores with one hand while the other is holding a 30- pound baby. It’s not an easy plight. It involves a lot of broken plates, frustration burning deep within and uneven arm muscles. Ever since Sasha was a month old, when I couldn’t find any helping hand available I learned to do the dishes, cook, sometimes even iron clothes and clean the house only with my right hand. While my left arm do all the lifting. He also wakes up just as soon as I started getting ready to do my tasks for the day. I believe that my child also has a super power if not  a  bionic nose that enables him to detect  when mommy is no longer within the love-radius of three meters away. Arrrrgggg!!!! ” My love, please let me do something else other than carry you!”

I started developing an adult version of a tantrum  the second my child interrupts me from doing what a mom needs to do. And in all honesty I am not proud of it. I suddenly turn into one of Daenerys’s dragons. Sometimes, I see my husband cringe when he catches me spitting fire. Oh God, clothe me with your love and patience. He even asked me if I suffered any Anger Management issues before. I wished he didn’t see me getting all angry and ugly whenever my child is pulling my last string of will power.

But whenever I feel the sorrow and the exhaustion motherhood brings from time to time, a part of me still wants to do it all over again. There’s this voice inside telling me I still want another little one someday. It’s something that is hard to explain. I wonder if I like being tortured or if I am one of those women who finds pleasure in pain. Why I feel powerless when I get too angry and too happy. I am enveloped with guilt whenever I had a fit after my child throw a fit. I feel disappointed in myself whenever I hear myself complaining about a difficult day that I am having. My self-esteem plummeting when I see the look  my husband gives whenever he sees me losing my cool.While the husband is still the most patient person I know. I hardly see him losing it.

It just goes to show that no matter how much we try to make things work we cannot accomplish everything on our own. No matter how much we try to be kind and patient sometimes there are just days when you consider you’re going to erupt like a violent volcano. I am not like that kind of person. I can normally calm myself quickly when things don’t go my way. But when you’re sleep deprived and hungry I guess all you can do is just grab a cookie and sit down until the steam completely disappears.

Motherhood and marriage is about love and patience. I wonder how working moms are able to be superhumans juggling so many roles all at once. Truly only by God’s grace we can make things run smoothly in our homes and in our careers.


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