I may have lost myself in motherhood… But I found someone even better

There he goes again  pulling all the contents of the dresser drawer after emptying a plastic box full of toys. Our house is never clean except when we are expecting some guests and that normally lasts only an hour before everything burst out like a grenade has just been thrown in there.

He pulls my hair like they are strings tied to a fence and throw hard objects at me like he’s shooting hoops. One time I burst my lip open after being hit by a feeding bottle or that one time I had a bump on my forehead when he hit me with his toy. I am not telling you my story of domestic violence. It’s my kid. I know he didn’t mean it but there were days when I feel like I am being abused by an eighteen month old child.

My lovely ladies lost their luster and prime. They used to be perky but now they swing like old key chains you don’t want to buy. But my husband disagree, well he better still like them otherwise he should give me money for a boob job. But kidding aside, the girls had gone through some challenging and painful times. Being bitten mercilessly with or without teeth, being scratched and pull and squeezed like a ketchup bottle. If only they sold metal breast plate for mothers who were weaning their children I will be the first in line.

But look at him.  His eyes piercing at me. I am suddely being hypnotised. I dropped my defenses once again and hold him tenderly. I kissed him gently and whispered “I’m sorry”. Our love-hate relationship has been going on for a while now and I can’t seem to find my old self. I am lost in this world when I feel a different kind of love. Like something has possessed me and I don’t have the remote control. He can barely speak and yet he knows me inside out.  He holds my arm like I am superman. He looks at me like I am a goddess. Even when his dad is there, he still calls for “mama”. The moment I get up count 10 Mississipi and he’s awake too. I am in chains and there’s no key.

Motherhood is a game of patience. God gives you this sweet little human to test how much you can love. This precious being is magical because no matter how much you try to distance yourself and not give in to his every  whim it is not possible. No matter how exhausted and dead you are physically  you just cannot let him go hungry or sleep in dirty diaper.

He took my job away and my time with my husband. And yet my happiness is uncontainable and my longing insatiable since he came.

Not everybody is given a chance to be a mother. Even with modern science the odds are still hard to beat. It really is a privilege to bear your own flesh and blood and watch him grow up right before your eyes. And the next thing you know  he’s off to College and wanted nothing to do with you.  Now the house is all empty.  So if you ‘re like me, just remember this the next time you complain about the laudry piling up like Mt. Everest and the  new linens covered in applesauce and Nutella. This is just your season now. Time flies so fast. Savor each moment. You really have no idea what unconditional love is until he’s right there looking back at you, not saying anything but your heart is screaming L-O-V-E.









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